Are you ready for the Zombie Apocalypse?

I’m not, but I’m getting there. I’ve been slowly stocking up on canned and dry food for a few months. Nothing crazy, just a can of soup here and a package of dried fruit there. At this point I think I have enough food to last for about a month. Water is crucial too, and my kitchen looks a scene from Signs where water is left out all over the place.

I’ve got tear-proof screens on my windows which won’t stop a bullet or tree branch, but should hold up to zombie hands pretty well. I also purchased a bunch of plywood that I have stored in my garage for a quick solution to reinforce the windows. The attic is also fairly stocked and I’ve left some food, ammo, and a hatchet up there. I need some road flares, new sleeping bags, and a propane camping stove. Maybe some toilet paper too. Been looking at buying a fold up aluminum ladder to move from one roof to another, but maybe I should get some fence poles like in Tremors. The ladder would let me move around in my neighborhood for days without hitting the pavement.

Got plenty of weapons, but I really need a combat shotty for close encounters. Right now all I have is a Benelli over/under, two Smith & Wesson Sigmas (9mm), a long range 30-30 with a scope, and two Bowie knives. The Benelli would do the trick, but only having two shots before reloading is going to be a problem. Half my ammo is in the bedroom and the rest is piled up in the attic. In the next few weeks I’m tying to stock up on batteries and MagLite bulbs, as well as some extra mags for my guns, but I feel like I’m missing something crucial…

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Tags: nice made up story, shopping, survival, zombies

I Love Christmas Shopping

To me nothing represents Christmas shopping like cramming hundreds of people into loosely formed lines and making them wait for a half hour to buy just the right pair of socks for Uncle Roger.  Even better than the lines and the territorial hunting for parking spots is the seasonal help.  If you are 16-18 years old with a pulse you are guaranteed a job for the holidays that will most likely consist of plenty of blank stares and even more cases of ‘let me check on that.’

I try not to judge anyone for what they do for a living, so instead of getting frustrated with the hired help I’ll try to give a few tips on how to make your 4 weeks at Best Buy a little easier.

1) Give people at least one minute before you start tugging on their pant leg.

2) Don’t assume that just because you’re a lvl. 55 night elf that you know more about electronics (and the world in general) than the customer.

3) People that keep saying, ‘Thanks, I’ll let you know if I need anything.’ and turn their back on you want you to fuck off.

4) When they do turn away, do not follow them and remind them that you don’t work off commission.

5) Do not check back in 30 seconds later when they move to the next aisle.

6) When the customer snaps and gets shitty with you, don’t go back to your other winter buddies and not-so-quietly muse that the customer is simply ‘an asshole’.

7) When customer approaches manager to complain on you, fight off the shake-lip and tears until you make it to the parking lot.  Failure on this step will most likely cause you to be the only one not to nail the slightly weird chick with the lisp but pretty awesome cans that works in the appliance section.  Apparently the older guys in the car stereo section that still hang out with high school kids all nailed her so you’ve been feeling pretty good about your chances.  Shake-Lip will put a stop to that.

8) At this point you will be pretty certain that White Barn Candle Company needs some help, so feel free to contemplate how the world just doesn’t ‘get you’.  You’ve always known that you were special and too good for the retail world, and you’ve just been proven right.  This will give you a free pass to get hammered and smoke whatever passes for weed in your neck of the woods.

9) When even the lowly candle place fires you for being a worthless shithead one week later, there’s always Gamestop.

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Tags: retail, shopping, youth