Quick history lesson. In prehistoric times, pretty cavegirls with cleavage hanging out sold rocks and sticks to horny cavemen. Sex sells. It’s always been that way and will never change. Everyone knows that. So when Ubisoft started pimping Assassin’s Creed, released this week for Xbox360 and PS3, they made pretty girl/producer Jade Raymond the poster child for the game. Whether or not she’s qualified to represent the game, or really had any involvement with its development is besides the point. To the jaded videogame nerd, she’s a set of breasts saying “Buy my game!”

This point was illustrated rather graphically in a comic (NSFW) posted on the SomethingAwful.com forums. Ubisoft apparently didn’t find the comic amusing as they have threatened legal action unless the comic is removed. The complaint claims “the Image’s blatant, vile, and unauthorized misappropriation of Ms. Raymond’s name and likeness, and your conduct in using the Image on your Site, have caused immeasurable harm to Ms. Raymond’s reputation and career, and constitute an egregious infringement of Ms. Raymond’s personal rights and privacy rights.”

In typical fashion, Richard”Lowtax” Kyank, owner of SomethingAwful.com, has responded with a verbal middle-finger. Do you think Ubisoft has a case here or is this freedom of speech? Do you really think Jade Raymond sucks dick for game sales and would you buy a game if it came with a BJ? Let us know!

You can see the full complaint and response below. You can also see an equally NSFW and IGN-themed take on the comic here.

[from AltGN forum user MalaysianMafia]

The complaint:

November 15, 2007
VIA EXPRESS MAIL AND EMAIL
Attn: Richard Kyanka
webmaster@somethingawful.com
RE:
Infringement of ASSASSIN’S CREED Mark and Jade Raymond’s Personal, Privacy, and Publicity Rights

Dear Mr. Kyanka:

We are counsel to Ubisoft Entertainment S.A. (“Ubisoft”), publisher of the popular video game ASSASSIN’S CREED and employer of Ms. Jade Raymond (“Ms. Raymond”). Ubisoft is also the owner of the following U.S. trademark applications for the ASSASSIN’S CREED mark (the “Mark”): Serial No. 78850944; Serial No. 78866696; and Serial No. 78850968. In consequence of Ubisoft’s extensive efforts and expenditures, substantial goodwill has been built up for Ubisoft and the products and services sold under the Mark, and the ASSASSIN’S CREED game is one of the most widely anticipated games of the year.

Ubisoft has recently learned that the extremely offensive pornographic image (the “Image”) accessible at http://sabretooth.mirror.waffleimag…dd47ceb2a5.jpg, a copy of which is attached hereto, is being used on your website located at http://www.somethingawful.com and/or other related sites, including, but not limited to, http://forums.somethingawful.com (collectively, the “Site”). Such Image and misuse of the ASSASSIN’S CREED mark constitute trademark infringement, dilution, and unfair competition in violation of common law trademark rights, the Lanham Act, 15 U.S.C. §§1125(a) and 1125(c), and state law.

Furthermore, the Image’s blatant, vile, and unauthorized misappropriation of Ms. Raymond’s name and likeness, and your conduct in using the Image on your Site, have caused immeasurable harm to Ms. Raymond’s reputation and career, and constitute an egregious infringement of Ms. Raymond’s personal rights and privacy rights. The Image and your conduct also constitute an egregious unauthorized commercial exploitation of Ms. Raymond’s rights of publicity in violation of, without limitation, her common law rights of publicity and California Civil Code §3344, which provides in relevant part:

“Any person who knowingly uses another’s name, .., photograph, or likeness, in any manner, on or in products, merchandise, or goods, or for purposes of advertising or selling, or soliciting purchases of, products, merchandise, goods or services, without such person’s prior consent…shall be liable for any damages sustained by the person or persons injured as a result thereof.”

It is well established that a person who commercially exploits the name or likeness of someone without their consent is liable for all of the damages caused thereby. Additionally, the Image and your conduct in using the Image on the Site constitute unfair business practices and false advertising in violation of the California Business and Professions Code; intentional infliction of emotional distress; a violation of the Lanham Act, 15 U.S.C. §1125(a); and harassment, which is a criminal offense.

Please also note that any failure to comply with applicable privacy laws may result in direct action against you by the Federal Trade Commission, in addition to other litigation.

Ubisoft hereby demands that you immediately: (1) permanently remove the Image from your Site, databases and servers and prevent any further uploading or display thereof; (2) permanently cease and desist all unauthorized use and hosting of images using the ASSASSIN’S CREED mark and Ms. Raymond’s name and/or likeness; (3) provide us with the name and contact information of the person who originally created and/or posted the Image; and (4) complete, execute, and return to me the enclosed Declaration by November 16, 2007 to confirm that you are complying with Ubisoft’s demand.

While Ubisoft hopes to resolve this matter quickly and without resort to further legal action, Ubisoft reserves all rights to seek appropriate legal relief, including attorneys’ fees, injunctive relief, statutory damages, costs, and enhanced damages.

Sincerely,

David Anderson
for Nixon Peabody LLP

DECLARATION

1. I am the owner of the website located at www.somethingawful.com.

2. I have permanently removed the image that was previously accessible at http://sabretooth.mirror.waffleimag…bdd47ceb2a5.jpg from www.somethingawful.com, forums.somethingawful.com, all other related sites, and all databases and servers under my ownership and/or control, and have implemented measures to prevent any further uploading or display thereof.

3. I have permanently ceased all unauthorized use and hosting of images using the ASSASSIN’S CREED mark and Jade Raymond’s name and/or likeness.

4. I have provided Ubisoft Entertainment S.A. with the name and contact information of the person who originally created and/or posted the Image.

Pursuant to 28 U.S.C. § 1746, I declare under the penalty of perjury that the foregoing is true and correct.

Executed on ____________, 2007 ________________________

Name: _______________________
Title: __­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­______________________

Dave Anderson
Nixon Peabody LLP
555 West 5th Street, 46th Floor
Los Angeles, CA 90013
(t) 213-629-6095
(f) 866-532-8491
dlanderson@nixonpeabody.com

To ensure compliance with IRS requirements, we inform you that any federal tax advice contained in this communication (including any attachment) is not intended or written to be used, and cannot be used, for the purpose of (i) avoiding penalties under the Internal Revenue Code or (ii) promoting, marketing or recommending to another party any transaction or matter addressed in this communication (including any attachment).

This email message and any attachments are confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, please immediately reply to the sender and delete the message from your email system. Thank you.

And the response:

From: Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka [mailto:webmaster@somethingawful.com]
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2007 9:06 PM
To: ‘Anderson, David’
Cc: A BUNCH OF FRENCHIES
Subject: RE: NOTICE: Infringement of ASSASSIN’S CREED Mark and Jade Raymond’s Personal, Privacy, and Publicity Rights

Please let it be known that hereforth I have read the express mail and email sent thereforth by Famous Lawyer David Anderson of the Famous Lawyer Law Business of Nixon Peabody LLP, and furthermore a declaration shall be expressed on the part of Internet User Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka that thatforth herethrough I have conducted rigorous tests implemented through a vigorous barrage of legal studies, and furthermore hitherthrough these rigorous tests have therefore proven Famous Lawyer David Anderson of the Famous Lawyer Law Business of Nixon Peabody LLP shall be recognized as a man of the fag persuasion.

Pursuant to the United Dairy Council

Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka
Internet

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Stan resides in Shreveport, LA and spends his time writing about vidja games and vidja game accessories.
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